{"id":20863,"date":"2019-08-19T17:39:23","date_gmt":"2019-08-20T00:39:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/amicuscuria.com\/wordpress\/?p=20863"},"modified":"2019-08-19T18:29:47","modified_gmt":"2019-08-20T01:29:47","slug":"zombie-student-loan-from-beyond-the-grave","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/amicuscuria.com\/wordpress\/zombie-student-loan-from-beyond-the-grave\/","title":{"rendered":"Zombie Student Loan$ from Beyond the Grave"},"content":{"rendered":"At Extended-Student-Loan Solutions, we believe that the problem of student-loan debt is larger than life. This life, that is. That\u2019s why we\u2019re giving you two more lifetimes to pay it off.

\n\nQ<\/strong>:\u00a0Just so I\u2019m completely clear on this, what the fuck are you talking about?<\/em>\n\n\u00a0<\/em>\n\n\u00a0\n\nA<\/strong>: We hear all the time from anxious students who think they\u2019ll probably grow old and die before they pay off their loans. We\u2019re proud to be able to look them in the eye and say, \u201cGo ahead and die. We\u2019ve got you covered.\u201d

\n\nQ<\/strong>:\u00a0How can I continue my payments if I\u2019m dead?<\/em>\n\n\u00a0<\/em>\n\n\u00a0\n\nA<\/strong>: Our patented reincarnation software tracks you as you move into your next life, seamlessly transferring your loan to the new you so that you don\u2019t miss a single payment.

\n\nQ<\/strong>:\u00a0How exactly does this benefit me?<\/em>\n\n\u00a0<\/em>\n\n\u00a0\n\nA<\/strong>: By extending your loan\u2019s \u201clife,\u201d so to speak, we\u2019re able to decrease your monthly payments while increasing our chances of getting repaid. Imagine reducing the stress that comes with paying off an unreasonably large sum of money in one lifetime. Then imagine us reducing the stress of loaning those sums of money to people who majored in philosophy.

\n\nQ<\/strong>:\u00a0So, are you saying I can stop making payments now and just let my future selves cover the rest?

<\/em>\n\nA<\/strong>: Unfortunately, no. It\u2019s going to take all three of you to close this thing out.

\n\nQ<\/strong>:\u00a0Will this software tell me what I\u2019m going to be in the next life?

<\/em>\n\nA<\/strong>: We know very little about the journey that each person makes as he or she crosses over. All we know for sure is that whatever you become owes us a ton of money.

\n\nQ<\/strong>:\u00a0Will you let my future self know a little bit about me so that the debt doesn\u2019t come totally out of left field?

<\/em>\n\nA<\/strong>: For each of our debtors, we create a transition file with personal data about the client. We find that a person is much more agreeable about making payments when that person feels connected to his or her past self and when that past self didn\u2019t major in philosophy.

\n\nQ<\/strong>:\u00a0This all sounds great, but what if I come back as a horse?

<\/em>\n\nA<\/strong>: The truth is that you\u2019re about as likely to pay off your loan as a horse as you are in your current incarnation, so we\u2019ll take our chances.

\n\nQ<\/strong>:\u00a0What if I actually pay off my loan before I die, in this life?

<\/em>\n\nA: Oh, my God, that\u2019s adorable.

\n\nQ<\/strong>:\u00a0I\u2019ve taken out more than three hundred thousand dollars in student loans. I\u2019m wondering if you can tell me why I did that.

<\/em>\n\nA<\/strong>: Is that\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. a question?

\n\n\nQ<\/strong>: I was worried about applying to grad school and amassing more debt on top of my undergraduate loans, but now I feel, like, Screw it, it\u2019s the horse\u2019s problem, right?<\/em>

\n\n\n\n
A<\/strong>: To be clear, you\u2019re not definitely becoming a horse.

\n\n\n\nQ<\/strong>: I want to be a horse so bad.<\/em>\n\n\n\n
A<\/strong>: I know you do.

\n\n\n\nQ<\/strong>: Wouldn\u2019t your efforts be better spent finding a solution to rising tuition costs, rather than trying to unlock the cycle of existence through the transcendence of consciousness?<\/em>

\n\n\n\n
A<\/strong>: You mean the harder thing? No.

\n\n\n\nQ<\/strong>: My parents want to know: If they co-sign my loan, will their future selves be held responsible for it?<\/em>

\n\n\n\n
A<\/strong>: Yes, but their future selves will be free to track down your future self to help out with the loan. Just make sure they understand that your future self might not know what they\u2019re talking about, because you\u2019re a turtle.

\n\n\n\nQ<\/strong>: All this existential talk is making me question whether we can even say for certain that it was me who took out this loan in the first place, you know?<\/em>

\n\n\n\n
A<\/strong>: It was you.

\n\n\n\nQ<\/strong>: Or . . . Was it?<\/em>

\n\n\n\n
A<\/strong>: It was.

\n\n\nQ<\/strong>:\u00a0Is it possible that I\u2019ll be asked to assume the loan of one of my past selves, and wind up with two loans?<\/em>\n\n\u00a0\n\nA<\/strong>: Dimensional Double Debt Dipping is prohibited, so no.

\n\nQ<\/strong>:\u00a0What if I come back as someone from England? Can you convert loan payments from pounds sterling?<\/em>\n\n\u00a0\n\nA<\/strong>: As of now, we do not have that capability.

\n\nQ<\/strong>:\u00a0Come to think of it, some racehorses make lots of money. If I come back as a<\/em>\u00a0racehorse, can I help name him?<\/em>\n\n\u00a0\n\nA<\/strong>: No, because you won\u2019t be there, remember? You\u2019ll\u00a0be<\/em>\u00a0the horse.

\n\nQ<\/strong>:\u00a0Ooh, how about Sky Dancer?<\/em>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

At Extended-Student-Loan Solutions, we believe that the problem of student-loan debt is larger than life. This life, that is. That\u2019s why we\u2019re giving you two more lifetimes to pay it off. Q:\u00a0Just so I\u2019m completely clear on this, what the … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-20863","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/amicuscuria.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20863","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/amicuscuria.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/amicuscuria.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/amicuscuria.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/amicuscuria.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=20863"}],"version-history":[{"count":23,"href":"http:\/\/amicuscuria.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20863\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":20894,"href":"http:\/\/amicuscuria.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20863\/revisions\/20894"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/amicuscuria.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=20863"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/amicuscuria.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=20863"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/amicuscuria.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=20863"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}