The scene has been getting tense in Shelton, what with all the nudity, free love, and anal cleavages. The City fathers (and mothers…as well as those digging in to defend against an army of bikini clad baristas marching on our sacred churches, schools, day care centers, and espresso stands) have chosen to crack down on the wanton revelry before pool halls begin to appear in the neighborhood.

City Hall on a Calm Night

The Council unanimously agreed anal cleavages should not enter the City’s limits…probably because there are no 24/7 public restrooms anyway. Besides, public health can wait when public morals are at stake.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but getting to the bottom of the issue included a rather refined blueprint emphasizing the female breast and exactly how much of it should be legal.

The Milk of Human Kindness

There was some stumbling and pussyfooting around when it came to delineating just what kinds of breasts (female) were to be banned, how much, and under what circumstances.

In deference to the Council’s remedial education, the following results of scientific scrutiny should be brought to bare before further discussion:

The breast is the tissue overlying the chest (pectoral) muscles. Women’s breasts are made of specialized tissue that produces milk (glandular tissue) as well as fatty tissue. The amount of fat determines the size of the breast.

The milk-producing part of the breast is organized into 15 to 20 sections, called lobes. Within each lobe are smaller structures, called lobules, where milk is produced. The milk travels through a network of tiny tubes called ducts. The ducts connect and come together into larger ducts, which eventually exit the skin in the nipple. The dark area of skin surrounding the nipple is called the areola.

Connective tissue and ligaments provide support to the breast and give it its shape. Nerves provide sensation to the breast. The breast also contains blood vessels, lymph vessels, and lymph nodes.

More community input will be permitted this coming Monday evening at Shelton City Hall, butt the Council’s take?:

“If you’re wearing less than a bikini, you’re outside the bounds of the ordinance,” or so says Steve Goins, the City’s director of community and ‘development’!

“These laws would apply to everyone [except male breasts], whether it’s bikini baristas or someone walking down the street,” he continued.

The nudity dress code ordinance would apply to people in public in Shelton who must cover the following body parts in the manner prescribed/proscribed:

*  The male/female genitalia, pubic area, buttocks and anal cleavage.

*  The nipple and areola of the female breast, and all of the surfaces of the female breast below the areola and at least one-half of the surface of the female breast located above the top of the areola.

[It is not yet known whether Shelton City Police will be issued tape measures to determine the exact ‘limits’ of the law. Last reports were they were drawing straws for this assignment.]

Forbidden attire that doesn’t comply with these proscriptions includes: G-strings, pasties [men too?], T-backs [??], dental floss [this is getting gross], and thongs [bring sneakers].

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2-Dog Night

Poor Self Esteem?

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The designated ‘parts’ may not sport body paint, body dye, tattoos, latex [so much for birth control, but the Pope will LOVE this!], or any similar substance applied to the skin surface or which can be washed off the skin [again, not to worry as Shelton doesn’t maintain 24/7 public restrooms], or any substance designed to simulate, or which by its nature stimulates the appearance of the anatomical area beneath it.

Ah, but in their infinite wisdom, the sages of Shelton have created exceptions to these barriers to having too much fun all of the time. They include:

Acts of breastfeeding…even expressing breast milk [as long as done with a smile], plays, operas [Gilbert & Sullivan?], or other dramatic works “which are not obscene [like bikini clad baristas?] and are delivered to age-appropriate audiences”, classes [friends in low places], seminars [voyeurs w/money], and lectures held for “serious scientific or educational purposes”; and adult entertainment exhibited in LICENSED [hah!–in your dreams] adult entertainment facilities as regulated under city code. [Next to the tooth fairy]  Violations (too much skin/cleavage/paint/dental floss) are a misdemeanor…about as mean as it gets.

On 2-19-13, the City Council all agreed  to ‘temporarily’ ban [receding horizon/end of rainbow] adult oriented businesses [Catch-22], despite none having expressed an interest in setting up shop in Dogpatch. Thus, this ‘dress code’ is intended to keep the voracious bikini clad baristas at bay indefinitely, though me thinkest the Council doth protesteth too much.

Anal Cleavage