Zombie Student Loan$ from Beyond the Grave

At Extended-Student-Loan Solutions, we believe that the problem of student-loan debt is larger than life. This life, that is. That’s why we’re giving you two more lifetimes to pay it off.

QJust so I’m completely clear on this, what the fuck are you talking about?     A: We hear all the time from anxious students who think they’ll probably grow old and die before they pay off their loans. We’re proud to be able to look them in the eye and say, “Go ahead and die. We’ve got you covered.”

QHow can I continue my payments if I’m dead?     A: Our patented reincarnation software tracks you as you move into your next life, seamlessly transferring your loan to the new you so that you don’t miss a single payment.

QHow exactly does this benefit me?     A: By extending your loan’s “life,” so to speak, we’re able to decrease your monthly payments while increasing our chances of getting repaid. Imagine reducing the stress that comes with paying off an unreasonably large sum of money in one lifetime. Then imagine us reducing the stress of loaning those sums of money to people who majored in philosophy.

QSo, are you saying I can stop making payments now and just let my future selves cover the rest?

A: Unfortunately, no. It’s going to take all three of you to close this thing out.

QWill this software tell me what I’m going to be in the next life?

A: We know very little about the journey that each person makes as he or she crosses over. All we know for sure is that whatever you become owes us a ton of money.

QWill you let my future self know a little bit about me so that the debt doesn’t come totally out of left field?

A: For each of our debtors, we create a transition file with personal data about the client. We find that a person is much more agreeable about making payments when that person feels connected to his or her past self and when that past self didn’t major in philosophy.

QThis all sounds great, but what if I come back as a horse?

A: The truth is that you’re about as likely to pay off your loan as a horse as you are in your current incarnation, so we’ll take our chances.

QWhat if I actually pay off my loan before I die, in this life?

A: Oh, my God, that’s adorable.

QI’ve taken out more than three hundred thousand dollars in student loans. I’m wondering if you can tell me why I did that.

A: Is that . . . a question?

QI was worried about applying to grad school and amassing more debt on top of my undergraduate loans, but now I feel, like, Screw it, it’s the horse’s problem, right?

A: To be clear, you’re not definitely becoming a horse.

QI want to be a horse so bad.
A: I know you do.

QWouldn’t your efforts be better spent finding a solution to rising tuition costs, rather than trying to unlock the cycle of existence through the transcendence of consciousness?

A: You mean the harder thing? No.

QMy parents want to know: If they co-sign my loan, will their future selves be held responsible for it?

A: Yes, but their future selves will be free to track down your future self to help out with the loan. Just make sure they understand that your future self might not know what they’re talking about, because you’re a turtle.

QAll this existential talk is making me question whether we can even say for certain that it was me who took out this loan in the first place, you know?

A: It was you.

QOr . . . Was it?

A: It was.

QIs it possible that I’ll be asked to assume the loan of one of my past selves, and wind up with two loans?   A: Dimensional Double Debt Dipping is prohibited, so no.

QWhat if I come back as someone from England? Can you convert loan payments from pounds sterling?   A: As of now, we do not have that capability.

QCome to think of it, some racehorses make lots of money. If I come back as a racehorse, can I help name him?   A: No, because you won’t be there, remember? You’ll be the horse.

QOoh, how about Sky Dancer?

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