PARODY of article by Andrew Davis
Shelton, WA (7-9-15) —
Shelton police spent most of the July 1 morning responding to reports that a man had been stabbed outside Bob’s Tavern on South First Street.
The Man found another bleeding late night reveler in Shelton early July 1st, near Bob’s Tavern, as it happens. Sheltonites, having little else to distract them and employment hard to come by, entertain themselves by stabbing each other during their drunken stupors.
After locating the victim, who had a laceration on his shoulder, police arrested Miguel Mendoza, 45, later that day and charged him w/assault w/a deadly weapon, a 2nd degree (Class ‘B’) felony. Police responded to the call shortly after midnight.
The perp, Miguel Mendoza, 45, was taken into Shelton’s version of a bed & breakfast for the homeless after his victim was found waiting at the end of a trail of blood. The local gendarmes charged him (Mendoza, not Ray Walkup!) with having too much fun on a weeknight without a license.
Officers located the victim at the Arcadia Chevron on Arcadia Road and Olympic Highway South, where they identified him as 36-year old Ray Walkup of Elma, according to a probable cause affidavit.
The cops, using their bloodhounds (which were difficult to arouse at that hour), finally found 36 year old Walkup at the nearby Chevron station in the bathroom recycling the local beer. Ray reportedly said it didn’t compare with his hometown suds from Elma where the nighttime entertainment is a little too tame.
Walkup was applying pressure to a wound w/a towel in his upper right chest area near his shoulder, according to the police report.
Ray was stemming the blood flow with a bar rag to the gaping hole in his shoulder and looking a little gray, but claimed it was only a scratch and all in good fun.
Walkup told police Mendoza had stabbed him with a gray box cutter outside the Ritz Drive-In, which is located across the street from Bob’s Tavern on South First Street.
Ray told investigators the excess may have been a result of his description of the perp’s mother or the toxic effects of the days old chicken wings and jo-jo’s at Bob’s Tavern.
Walkup was transported to Mason County General Hospital and police continued the search for Mendoza. Police located Mendoza in the 300 block of South Fifth Street and arrested him on a Washington State Department of Corrections felony warrant.
Ray was taken to what some rumor to be the local morgue, officially Mason’s Hospital, while they searched for the guy in the McDonald’s clown suit. He was found taking a leak in a local beer recycling center siphoning all the water out of the bowl as he hiccuped his way to nirvana. The coppers arrested him on an outstanding warrant for felony theft of a peanut butter sandwich with a jelly prior.
Mendoza was transported to Mason County Jail, where he remained Tuesday on $7,500 bail. He was scheduled to be arraigned Monday.
Mendoza laughed hysterically as he was transported to the County repository for late night revelers and hamburglars. He was held on $7,500 bail or until he paid his bar tab.