As adults, you all know these truths to be self evident. So, if you feel like applauding at the end of this recitation–just…DON’T! It’s really annoying.
TO court Karens everywhere–you know who you are:
You are a bastard-bitch of the universe and seriously messed up. You have no right to be here
Deteriorata. Deteriorata
Go wrathfully amid the poised and chaste,
And remember what mindless stimulation there may be in noise and owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
Get a mean dog.
Better yet, as far as possible, without surrender, alienate as many timorous little bastards as you can. So long as you are beautiful and in your prime, you can get away with it.
Rotate your tires.
Prevaricate at volume with Byzantine obfuscation, and listen not to others with their smarmy bilge: the dull and ignorant; say, Yo, whazzup with them?
While sucking up, speak glowingly of those greater than yourself
And heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys.
Avoid passive-aggressive personalities as you would the plague; it’s bad enough they are deadly boring; they’re also a royal pain in the @ss. Never miss an opportunity to control others, be it through histrionics, abuse of authority or intimidation. Life is that they may serve YOU.
Know what/who to kiss, and when–never give a sucker an even break. If caught, try to make it look like a virtue–never let them see you sweat. Admit no wrong doing–NEVER apologize. Reject all criticism as unjust. Compassion is for suckers.
Remember–the opposite sex is the ENEMY! Wade into them. Use their living guts to grease the axle of your chariot.
Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three do!
Wherever possible, put people on hold–your power is measured by how long you can keep them there. If you have a small child, they are ideal for implementing this tactic.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vexed and bitter–some news flash there! For always will these bungling fools be lesser persons than yourself, better paid 9 out of 10 times too. Embrace hubris, for it is your key to the Kingdom. Humility is for the little people.
Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment
And despite the changing fortunes of time
There is always a big future in computer maintenance, betraying your friends, and stepping on while using others. All their pain is just an illusion.
You are an attention whore.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not,
The universe IS laughing behind your back.
Enjoy your achievements, for what that’s bloody worth, and plan to be reassigned any day now.
Stay interested in your career, and don’t neglect to feign eating some Humble Pie unless you’re already overweight; it is a very nutritious snack say recent articles in Psychopathology Today.
Remember The Pueblo.
Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate.
Know yourself.
If you need help, call the FBI
Exercise paranoia in your daily/business affairs–especially your affairs.
Especially with those persons closest to you –
That lemon on your left, for instance.
The world is full of high-strung corporate psychopaths.
But, let this not blind you to what fate truly holds in store: demented zombie fascist ghouls whose vaunted ideals conceal bloodthirsty plans for jingoistic genocide.
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls
Would scarcely get your feet wet.
Therefore, Fall not in love. It will stick to your face.
Be yourself, but do not risk detection–EVER! Never tell the fuckers what you really think. Neither be clinical about love, especially with that Sweet 16 year old on Friendster, or your ass is grass.
Gracefully surrender the things of youth: birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan, concern for others. Recall that you should like people in general, just not in the particular.
And let not the sands of time get in your lunch–or your crotch.
Hire people with hooks.
For a good time, call 866-6000 x-6399. Ask for Candy.
Take heart in the deepening gloom.
Eschew the questionable counsel of decrepit hosers, nor willingly follow their drooling downward stagger into the depths of sadly premature senility.
Know that your dog is finally getting enough cheese
And reflect that whatever fortune may be your lot
It could only be worse in Olympia.
Nurture unhinged hallucinations/suspicions that everything is A-OK to shield yourself from suddenly wising up. Neither be distressed you are imagining things–the recurring fear that fatigue and loneliness are merely prologues. Beyond a wholesome discipline, slip fully into mental bondage.
You are an orphan of the universe, no less than the trees, the ozone layer, the buffalo, or the Edsel. You are cattle, you are chattel. You are in the way.
You have no right to be here
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe is laughing behind your back.
Therefore, make peace with your god
Whatever you perceive him/her/it to be – hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin.
With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal,
The world continues to deteriorate.
Give up!
Whether it is clear to you or not, the economy is growing as it doubly should. Ergo, say your prayers, whatever you hope to gain by that, and whatever your deluded aspirations may have deemed, finding you are a certain loser in the bedlam of life’s lottery–now kiss your sorry @ss goodbye.
You are a pimple on the backside of the universe. You are all the candy bars ever eaten.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe is laughing behind your back.
And yet, for all its rampant spam, its government-sanctioned drug cartels and tranquilizer-stifled screams, it’s just too beautiful a deal. Double down, cheer up, dream on–as if you might ever get to cop a slice.
Starve to be happy. Own nothing.
